April 16, 2024
Honesty would have been the best policy
This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?"
The guy stumbles around and says, "Um.. no.. um.. what happened?"
The neighbor replies, "We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after the kids buried him in the backyard we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There are some real sick people out there."
"Florida police arrested a woman this weekend in a storage unit facility after she had assaulted her husband during an argument over which sex position is best. She had argued for missionary, while he had argued for 'in a storage facility.'" -Seth Meyers
There I was standing in a bar in New York and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me.
I said to him, "Do you know any of that martial arts stuff, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says, "No, why you ask me dat, is it coz I Chinee?"
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer you jerk."
"You can now take at-home STD tests. Healthcare experts say it's perfect for anyone who likes to panic in the comfort of their own home." -Jimmy Fallon