April 25, 2024
Now that's a surprise party
Why did I get divorced? Well, last month was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.
As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.
We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?"
"Okay," I said.
She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.
"A Florida man went to court for the right to marry his laptop computer. He said his laptop is just like a wife because whenever he brings it into bed, it freezes." -Conan O'Brien
Yesterday I asked my wife, "Did the person person come today?"
She said, "The what what?"
"The person person."
"What's that?"
"That's the individual who delivers correspondence, bills and other documents to our house," I said.
"You mean the mailman?"
"Hon," I chided, "your way of thinking about people is dangerously old fashioned. You invalidate the poor bastard who has to slog through the snow and rain to bring us our letters and bills by imposing upon that person your view of gender, sex and sexuality."
"You've been watching TikTok videos again."
"As a feminine-presenting individual I would think you'd be more sensitive to the way language perpetuates the patriarchy that is strangling our culture and opressing sexual minorities."
"I don't think using the word 'mail' is opressing women," she argued.
"Language is violence."
"Since when did you get on this social justice kick," she asked.
"Since I realized how much fun it is! You can twist and contort almost anything with just a few buzz words once you know the tricks."
"Sounds stupid and a little manipulative if you ask me."
"Now you're starting to get it!" I told her. "So what's for dinner?"
"Stuffed manicotti."
"You mean sexually self-identified-icotti," I corrected her.
"Oh shut up," she agreed.