April 23, 2024
When I'm 64
A high school buddy of mine called to wish me a Happy Holiday season and we got to talking. His kids are out of the house and it's just him and his wife since the dog died.
He said, "My wife is acting a bit goofy lately. We were sitting watching TV last week when she asked me, 'Do you think our love has turned into companionship?'"
"Oh, man!" I said.
"Yeah, I was in the middle of a documentary in which some physicist was debunking all of the video of the UFO sightings by the Navy when she asked me that question. I mean, what kinda timing is that? Can't she see I'm busy?"
"Umm, yeah," I stammered. "...Ummm, women. Go figure."
"I've been thinking about this since but I don't know what to do," he said. "What do you think?"
"Me? Well, I think you got some lovemaking to do."
A woman was in court charged with the attempted murder of her husband.
"But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge.
"Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "It wasn't my fault. I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife!"
It's the anniversary of my father's death, I can't help but think about my old man and the things he used to say to me...
Like, "If you end up gay I'll break your legs."
Or, "An indictment is not a conviction."
But the one thing that really stuck with me was, "Remember boy, one night stands maybe over in the morning but herpes lasts a lifetime."
"This is some advice for the older men that have let standards slip. It is never acceptable to answer the phone when love-making, even if you hilariously pick up by saying, 'I can't talk right now I'm going into a tunnel.'" -Jimmy Carr